My s/o and I came home this afternoon to find our door kicked in.
Our house had been robbed. As if I don’t have enough stuff going on?!? The stole my medicine, all of it including medicine I take for seizures and my nerve medicine(which happens to be a narcotic). My other half is pretty much off the deep end with anger . I can’t talk to her she’s completely shut down and already went to bed as she has to work in the morning. The thieves also helped themselves to one of my statues and our change jar(with between 30 and 50$ in it). That may not seem like a lot to most people. The cops got one of the guys and believe there is a second. They recovered some of my meds, but of course not my nerve pills which i need more then ever. The money hurts too we’ve got less then 30$ to make it until our next pay day. Not to mention it was MY change jar it had meaning. My alter was wrecked so I feel violated even more thats my personal space NO ONE screws with. Such bs..I got no one to talk 2 tonight.

How am I doing? Well, pretty much devastated. I feel angry a little but mostly with the sad and violated. I don’t want to get out the razor blades(I cut myself) I’m afraid I wouldn’t be stopping with the cutting. I can’t cry, I don’t know why because I feel like I need to, a lot but the tears just havent shown up yet. I thought about taking a shower but I’m not sure I’m too comfy with that idea right now either. I know one of the guys responsible is in jail tonight, but what about the other? If there was a second one, will he come back? This kind of shit isn’t supposed to happen in a little town. I don’t know what else to write, I’m tired, stressed beyond belief and in need of a good cry. Mentally I’m fried and I’m low on cigs even though we bought some while we were out. Sure not going to go get them at this hour.

I write tonight in one of those “Okay, whatever” moods. Leah and I are still together, she’s the one bright spot in my life. I don’t have a job, do still have seizures and I’ve mysteriously lost about 80 lbs in the past 8 months. I went to the doctor today about that, he ordered all kinda of tests including a CBC(Complete blood count) and HIV test. I’m worried to say the least as I don’t really exercise and eat as much as I ever have. I went a good 5 months or so without cutting myself, until today that is then i just did a bit, nothing to write home about but its made the craving to do it worse. I found a site made by a young woman with at the very least admirable goals, www.imacutter.com I even logged into the old ftp and updated the main page of this site with a link to it. Its not a direct link(evil css!) but I setup a redirect that should get anyone who wants to have a look to the site.

The guys I used to game with have disappeared, more or less anyway. I’m a bit worried about DODHitman who I consider a personal friend(yes, off the internet) but I know he moved a couple months back so I’m hoping he’s just gotten busy with that and looking after his kids.

As far as my family goes, my uncle was in the hospital over the weekend with pneumonia haven’t heard yet whether he got out or not. I guess if something went wrong I would have heard it by now as I caught a ride from my parents today to the doctors office and they didn’t say anything about it.

I made brownies tonight.. I think I’ll go have one.

Love & Light

Cassidy

Well as usual its been a bit since I made a post. Things are pretty quiet around the house. Leah and I are both working. i went back to walmart this past Wed. Its alright I meet some cool people and am just civil to the rest. I’ve stopped cutting mostly, but I still want to some times. I miss the needles from the old days but I’m glad I don’t need them any more. I know where that path leads and its a price I don’t want to pay right now. All in all, things are status quo and this was just a note before I go to work again… day 5.

When I started this blog, I wrote in it as much as I could. Now, 20 computer formats later I have to use the password emailer to reset my password just to write a post. Which by the way, if no one has noticed I don’t really do much any more.

Anyway, my usual topic of my life is once again my topic. Lets see, there have indeed been changes in my life. Leah and I are still together, and still love each other. i can’t say things are at there best right now, as we are just settled in to our own place however we’re also both doing some personal exploration and trying to figure ourselves out. For Leah, I think this is her first real long term relationship. For me, Its my first in a very long time as i was previously burned. Still, all things considered as I said, we do love each other and very much want to be together. The fact that we are both off the hormones at the moment(due to financial shortage)isn’t helping matters and I think makes us both a bit testy at times. Hopefully, we’ll find ourselves and grow even closer with a bit of time. I’ll admit too, since I’ve been off the hormones I’ve been emotionally dead(numb). Which is probably a big contributing factor as we talk less. I hope that passes soon as wel, I don’t like being off the hormones, I can see a difference both emotionally and mentally and its not one I care for.

As far as the apartment goes its pretty nice, its bigger then the one we looked at in Lafayette(which was 100$ more a month). At first it had sort of a hotel feeling after we moved in, now its starting to feel like home, slowly. Leah takes care of going to work and paying the bills(mostly) and I do my best to take on the home front doing dishes, taking out the trash, doing the laundry and so on. I never expected being a ‘housewife’ to be so much work. It is though, what i wanted and wished for for a long time. i believe my exact words we’re “I just want a place with someone to love where I can be a house wife and look after my family” hmmm.. odd how that works out eh? Wish for something long enough, and hard enough and you usually get it(with some work) just make sure its what you want. No complaints here though, I’m happy with the outcome of my wishing just trying to be perspective girl.

My houseplants(goddess love em) we’re badly hurt and/or killed by the move as they got left outside at my parents house and no one tended them. Poor things, we did go and get them and bring them with us, but they aren’t doing well. I cried when I saw the condition they were in. Just last week they were all lush and green and healthy. I still have hope for some of them, but the hard truth looks like most wont make it. Its a damn shame, I’ve had some of them for a long time and others Leah and I potted together. I’m doing all I can for them, even had ritual and asked Demeter to help me with them. I believe for the plants, but also look at reality and know there is little hope. What can i say? I’m still little wiccan gal at heart. I love nature and all her things and I don’t suppose that will change any time soon.

Leah and I were in Kroger today, and i saw a girl wearing medical scrubs. the first thought that struck me was “That could have been you soon”. it still makes me sad that i did not get to go to school this year. I would still like to be a nurse and help people, I don’t know if that will happen now. My seizures you ask? They haven’t really been too bad, maybe one or two a week. I’ve been less with the spacing out and passing out too, I think at least Leah hasn’t said anything about me having an incident but I’m here a good bit by myself so its entirly possible things are still happening more frequently and I just don’t know about it.

Last night, for the most part was a fairly quiet night. Leah and i watched Star Wars(I dont know which one, three i think) and snuggled up on the couch. We had some playtime (*evil giggle*) and that was the jist of it nothing big or eventfull that i’ll speak of anyway mostly just a quiet evening at home with the loved one.

One thing i do wonder about is what my parents are doing now. Before we left there, things were rocky off and on between us and i can’t decide if thier in the “we’re glad thier gone” or “we miss them”. Perhaps its both, I know that i have mixed feelings on the topic. First off my first reaction is “Thank god, I’m free” but then I think “Yeah, I miss them”. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look to go back under thier roof(ever, hopefully) however looking back I think “Yeah, it’d be nice to go back to being younger and have that time of innocence again”. Much like school it was something I didn’t realize was a fleeting time in my life now that its over I do. I know I write stuff like this on occasion ie: Pre-Texas-Move

This time though, its different it has a very real sense of permanence. Maybe thats what makes me think back to the days of playing in the old oak tree on my parents fence row, or back to playing around the barn or even going barefoot down to the drainage ditch by the road and playing in the water with my cousins. Part of me is very sad, those times will never come again.

All that said, the current day calls me back to its reality. Looking at my life, i have my own home now with someone I love. I have freedoms, and responsibilities and know that the cost for freedom is the responsibilities. All part of ‘growing up’ as they say. I don’t mind growing up, really i don’t not so sure i’m fond of the thought of growing old though.

But that my friends, is another story…

Blessed Be,
-Cassidy

Its been a long time since I’ve written again, as that seems to now be the standard i’ll not apoligise for it. Where do I begin to make up almost two months of missed journaling? Well, I guess I’ll start with the big one, I’m not working at walmart now. I went in to work on Feb. 23rd and was sitting in the break room having a cigarette before work. The next thing I know, the paramedics are picking me up off the floor saying i had a seizure. They asked me if I knew where I was and (admittedly cheating) I looked at a name tag which was hanging by me on one of the people knelt down there and it said walmart. I wasn’t really sure where I was and I don’t even know if I remember my own name at that point. I went to the hospital that afternoon and have been in 4 more since. I’m now on seizure medicine and among the problems this has created were a financial one as I’m out of work and Leah and I needed the money badly to get out of here. Then theres the fact I was going to, and very much looking forward to starting college to be a medical assistant. I wanted to be in the health care field and right now, that doesn’t look very realisitic as my seizures and black outs and staring spells(yes, I seem to suffer all three) are at least 2 or 3 a week and thats really best case. When I started having them they were a lot more frequent however as i said I’m not on medicine for them so I guess it helps.

Leah and I are still together and very much in love, she goes to work and does what she can to take care of us. I try to write software reviews and do some things around the house like laundry and such which usually isn’t too much for me and it feels good to try and help in what ever way I can. However, our living situation is not all its cracked up to be. We have literally like 600$ in income a month after taxes are taken from Leah’s checks and my mom specifically has been leaving more and more hints she wants us to get out. When I said hints, I don’t really mean hints I mean she’s out and out said it. My response is usually “We’d love nothing more then to have our own place but thats not practicle on this income. We were starting to put our lives together I had a job which i was holding, and college on the near horizon, we we’re even going to get me a car” All that seems so far away right now. I still very much want to go to college! I want that little blue grand Prix but as I’m not even cleared to drive, what good would it do me to have a car. Its very depressing to say the least.

The doctors don’t really seem to have a cause pinpointed for me yet. I keep hoping medicaid will come through for me and maybe I can afford to get to the bottom of my little seizure problem. I’ve lived with anxiety and panic attacks for years okay a panic attack is a terrible thing but it comes and goes and then life goes on you kinda learn to live with that bit. Where as this seizure thing could wreck all sorts of stuff assuming i survive it. I could even be labeled nonop and for a tgirl thats a death sentence of its own but what doctor is going to want to operate on someone who might seize midsurgery.

Leah and I are both worried and very very stressed, we hold each other and do what we can to be reassuring. My parents were initially very worried however in the past week or so they have seemingly become detached. I guess maybe its the only way they can cope with it. As for me, the only way I’m really dealing is holding my Leah tight and treating every day like it might be my last. Thats a bit dramatic but I really don’t know if I’m going to even remember who i am tomorrow or where I am or whatever. In that way at least I have a small blessing as I think I appreciate life a lot more. Leah tried talking to me about the future earlier, like what if she sold a book for 25 grand. I said baby, I can’t think that far ahead right now I have to try and be in today and enjoy it.

To that end, I have started a bit of a new hobby recently. I started taking some black & white (mostly) pictures and putting them up on deviantart.com  I took like 600 pictures just around here so far but I’m kinda picky over my stuff there and won’t put just anything up so only about 6 or 8 of my pictures have actually been posted. Anyway here is a link if anyone decides to have a look http://ladycassidy.deviantart.com/

I guess thats about it, we’re going to work on figuring out how to get out from under my parents’ roof as soon as possible but money is tight so we’ll see how things go. until then I’ll be holding my Leah and living life as much as possible.

Blessed Be,

Cassidy

I’m working at walmart as a cashier, and have been for about two weeks. Its going okay i guess I don’t hate it and if asked what my feelings about it were I’d probably give a reply like “eh.. its okay”. Things had been going pretty well there but last night was kind of rough people were in bad moods I guess, maybe from being cooped up during the storm?

Other things are normalish I suppose, Leah and i are still doing well and still in love(which I hope never changes). I have the day off today, and she had to work however I think we have some snuggle/tv time planned for when she gets home which will be nice since it will be much earlier then normal seeing as I havent been getting home till one am.

I’m going to make this a short entry, all is well enough and I’m more or less just killing time until I start college(April 2nd! YAY!), then I plan to be too tired to worry about anything.

I’ve had a hard time keeping up with my life lately and thats to say the least considering what my life was like one year ago. Lets look back for a second.. a year ago I had no motivation to speak of. I was cutting myself, jobless, miserable, and had no plans for my future basically I had given up on life. A year later(thats 12 months for those of you naping in the back) I have a job part time at walmart(which I just applied for last week), Have applied to college(Indiana Business College to be specific), Have someone I love dearly and I’m not entirly unhappy with my body. Now, you maybe thinking what have I missed? Well, things have changed quite a bit in the past couple weeks.

As I said a few lines ago i got a job working at walmart as a cashier. This job is only going to be part time but its a good job, climate controlled and I get to meet and interact with people so i think I’ll enjoy it.

I also applied to Indiana Business College last week. I have another appointment with admissions on Monday then I meet with financial aid on Wed. of this week. I also have orientation Wed. for my job so I’ll be busy busy. I’m going to college to get my degree as a medical assistant. I want to get into the medical field so i figured I would start with this degree and my CNA(hopefully) which will get me in the door. If I do well at this college then maybe furthering my education more down the road is a viable option.

Things are quiet on the home front I’m waiting for Leah to come home we both are limiting our activities tommorrow and I think we’re going to watch the superbowl(go Colts!) I’ve been playing the good house wife while Leah has been working this week and she’s been telling me how much she appreciates it. I’m just glad things are starting to look up for us.

Honorable footnote here, I met a nice guy on a shareware review site, he’s offered to give me a bit of extra cash for reviews I write for software as well as given me pointers on the screensaver business I’m running. it goes to show that there are still some good people in the world. Who knows, maybe theres still hope for mankind afterall.

Blessed Be,

Cassidy

Well, I made a phone call today and may have found a job opening. Its a chance to work for a factory about 20 miles away making car parts. Its not exactly my idea of a dream job, but its better then nothing and we can definitly use the money. I’ve spent the better part of the last week making screensavers and getting them submitted to all the shareware sites but since everyone gets a 2 week free trial of the screensavers I doubt that will bring in any cash for a bit.

Things are rather quiet around here, Leah isn’t feeling well and hasnt since yesterday. She has a sore throat and I been looking after her as best I can. We have medicaid which would pay(probably) for her if she needed to goto the hospital but we’re trying to hold off on that and just hoping she gets better with bedrest and TLC.

Everyone else is about the same, though I’ll admit 8+ hours a day of working at home.. is still work and it is slowly wearing on me but at least its productive time and not time wasted.

We have about enough hormones for another month or so before things get ugly, we turned in 30 applications at the mall in Lafayette last week and still have yet to hear anything from them. Maybe now is just a bad time, or maybe its bias rearing its ugly head. In any event we’re not giving up on things just yet after all at this point the only way to really go is up.

-C-

I havent been very good about writing but there have been some very big changes in my life. The short list follows, as I’m preparing to go out of town to look for work. I moved back from Texas, after about 2 months there. The people there were good to me, however things weren’t going well for me, which is admitedly probably mostly my fault. I had some issues with drinking and stuff while I was there. I was still cutting and I got taken to the hospital for a suicide attempt. Side note, do NOT go to the hospital for a drug overdose… EVER.. trust me on the the black coal tasting stuff they give you is most unpleasant and thats going down.. not to mention what goes into your body.. well yeah.. not good.

On to the good news, as I said, I’m back in Indiana and I didnt come back alone. There is someone very special in my life who I love very much. Her name is Leah, and she really is everything I’ve ever wanted in a mate. She’s my other half to the point we complete each others sentences. The thing I originally found surprising is she’s a tgirl, like me.. odd enough on its own I figured I’d be strictly in to guys considering how much I was looking at them before I left for Texas. Leah is, well, she’s a girl like me, a tgirl. I don’t seem to be looking at guys at all now, or really girls either I’m happy with my mate and we plan to get married. She’s even bought me a wedding gown, tiara, veil and satin gloves to get married in so she’s serious about me as I am about her which makes me very happy.

I haven’t cut myself in like 2+ months basically ever since i found her. Maybe its because we spend almost every minute of every day together. Maybe its because I’m just a lot happier now. I don’t even think like I used to, I’ve changed and while its partially because of my girl I also like to think I’ve grown.

I’m currently in a bit of a spiritual crisis, I tried to convert to christianity. Needless to say, it did not go well and now, I feel as if I’ve betrayed my god and goddess while I think if I asked them they would forgive me I’m having a very hard time forgiving myself. I knew what was right for me and how I believed and I still went against that. I’m usually harder on myself then anyone else is on me and this time is no exception.

I’ve also went vegetarian, I’ve had like 4-5 meals in the past 6 weeks containing meat as its hard to get totally away from but my diet has changed to the point im loosing weight from it.  I do want to be pure vegetarian but I need to find more foods I’ll eat(as, I confess I’m a bit picky) before I can make the switch all together however its a self improvement work in progress.

I’ve established a website here within mine at http://www.onegirlsjourney.com/TGSScreenSavers/ to sell screensavers again. I’ve already made one and hope this will ease a bit of the financial burden(at least to the point I can afford cigarettes) until I find work. Did I mention I’m looking for a job? Leah and I have both filled out over 50 applications since the first of the year.. hopefully something will turn up soon.

Thats it for now, I’ll try to do better with updates from now on.

Blessed Be,

Cassidy

This is going to be a short entry, just a quick note letting everyone know things are alright down here. I’m just living as me, and it looks as if I may have finally found a job. I’ve had some minor problems I wont go in to but hopefully with some time and income they will go away. Maybe I can even get back to doing some gaming on the pc soonish, I havent touched it in a month besides to chat to friends and check email and stuff.

-Cassidy